Wednesday, May 9, 2012
I have always been one to blame myself when things go awry. I chose to stay in a physically abusive relationship for several months, because I was convinced that the abuse was my fault. I kept telling myself, if I could only change, then he would, too. The rational part of me knew that the beatings had less to do with me, and everything to do with his own demons, which manifested themselves through his inner rage. He was a tormented soul with deep scars that fueled the fires of his intense anger, which he directed at me on a regular basis, with the aid of alcohol. Like most abused women, I blamed myself for the beatings. By that time, I had been out of the porn industry for several years. Early in the relationship, I came clean to him about my past, not knowing that he would use it to justify his fits of rage upon me. I was living a nightmare, but because of my own guilt issues, I felt trapped. Part of me believed him when he said that I could never get anyone better than him, because of my whorish past – but that part was strong enough to keep me in bondage to that relationship. Looking back, it was my guilt that kept me there. I did not see myself worthy of love or forgiveness. I continued in this abusive relationship, blaming myself, until reality kicked me in the face that horrific afternoon when, in a drunken rage, he tried to kill me. I managed to lose the relationship, but on a deep emotional level, I was crippled by the beatings, which I was told for so many months that I “deserved” because of my time in porn. This only exacerbated the feelings of guilt, abysmal shame, and worthlessness. Selling my soul to porn was bad enough, but being beat down day after day – being told that I am worthless, damaged goods, and a “whore,” – was a constant, violent reminder of my past offenses. Whenever I went out in public with a black eye, everyone else knew I was worthless, too.