MY JOURNEY TO REDEMPTION



Hosea 6:1

Come and let us return to the Lord

For He has torn, but He will heal us;

He has stricken, but He will bind us up








We cannot do great things on this earth, only small things with great love - Mother Teresa

Thursday, February 24, 2011

LONELINESS AND PORN


It's so lonely when you dont even know yourself - anonymous

Someone once said that porn isn't bad because it shows too much, but because it shows too little. We see more of the body, but less of the person. Men and women, completely naked and exposed, performing acts that are, in the normal world, private and sacred. While their bodies are on open display, their souls are locked behind walls of shame and guilt. You see nothing of the aching vulnerability, the tortured soul, the fear and hurt...all you see are exposed body parts, and the fake image that the porn star fabricates to hide what is real.

Sexual intimacy is a beautiful creation by God designed to bring a man and a woman together. The sex in porn involves no intimacy or connection. It is the conjoined bodies of 2 fake people, performing meaningless physical intercourse absent of any emotional or spiritual essence. They do not know or mean anything to one another. Money is what brought them together.

What do people typically think of when they think of the porn lifestyle? Vanity? Excess? Hedonism? While there are plenty of vices typically associated with being in porn, loneliness isn't one of them, but in actuality, the porn industry is one of the loneliest places that a person can be. In porn, sexual intercourse, ideally the most fulfilling of emotional experiences, is absolutely meaningless, and the fortress that you build around your mind and heart, keeps you distant from everyone around you. There are no fulfilling relationships. Being in porn means keeping your guard up, not letting anyone touch you, distancing yourself on an emotional level and creating this fake image. No one truly knows one another, and relationships are shallow at best. Everything revolves around your sexual identity, which is a facade to begin with.



Yes, the porn industry is a very lonely place, defined by a bizarre sexual dynamic.Sex is uninhibited, but unfulfilling. Passion, depth, and intimacy do not exist. Your body is completely naked and exposed, yet your heart is shrouded. You are physically joined to, yet emotionally detached from, your sexual partner - all of this while being on display to the world. Being in porn means you build up emotional walls - and build them fast. It also helps if you already have some walls built up.

For the porn star, loneliness is accompanied by guilt and shame. You don't open up your heart to anyone. No one tries to reach you, so you stay isolated behind the walls that you build up for yourself. It is a lifestyle completely absent of love - love for others, or love for yourself. In terms of excess, you have it all -- drugs, parties, adoring fans -- but deep inside, you are completely alone. Never mind that you have the company of other porn stars, the accolades of adoring fans, and as much hardcore sex as you can stomach. The fact is, you are a shell, a manufactured image...and deep inside, you are completely alone.

The feeling of isolation and disconnect is constant and overwhelming. You have no real companionship. Through seductive eyes, you tell the world that you are a sexual freak, and that you love it - but deep inside, you hate what you have become, yet you cannot tell anyone. You have to remain completely alone in order to carry on the facade.

The most bizarre thing about it all is that, the people you surround yourself with carry on the same lonely routine. Everyone wears the same mask, and feels just as empty. Everyone knows, but everyone hides. You choke down your feelings of self-hatred and shame as you step into "porn mode" - and the people you surround yourself with do exactly the same thing, but no one reaches out, because everyone is incapable. So, you have all of these people in the same dark place, trying to hide who they are from one another, yet deep inside everyone knows. You are just a pawn. Your misery is no secret.

It was this same loneliness that drove me to numb myself with drugs, and eventually, to cut myself. If loneliness is defined by isolation, feeling unloved, and without real companionship, then being in the porn industry is the apex of this experience. There is no one to hold your hand through it all, no one to encourage you, no one tpo tell you that you are loved. So, you discard your desire to be told that you are special and loved, and feed off of the empty accolades of fans, saying "You are so hot" or "You're such a good ****." It's a shallow substitute for what every porn star wants deep inside -- love, acceptance, and real companionship. 

Ever wonder why so many porn stars use drugs and alcohol? It's because they are grasping at whatever is readily available to them to fill the void. Ever wonder why so many porn stars go off the deep end, or take their own lives? It all boils down to a deep sense of loneliness, and the hopelessness that ensues when a person feels so unloved.

At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self - Brendan Francis

The loneliness in the porn industry is unlike any other loneliness. You are exposed, yet hidden - vulnerable, yet untouchable. Fortified walls guard your heart and the deep wounds that you carry below the surface. The longer you make porn, the more you lose sight of who you are - and hate what you have become.

It's a disconnect from others, and from yourself. I had always struggled with loneliness, but never had I compromised who I was in this way. It was scary to watch myself descend into such a dark place, full of self-hatred and emptiness. Even after a girl has made her way out of the industry, there is still that overpowering sense of loneliness. She feels as though no one can possibly understand where she has been - that she must continue to hide, for fear of being judged. She desperately wants to connect with someone, with anyone, who will love and accept her for who she is, apart from who she was. The thing of it, though, is that a lot of times, she doesn't even know how to connect. She lost her sense of identity way back when, and she is forced to re-connect with herself, whoever that is.

The beautiful thing about the Lord's healing, though, is that He meets you where you are at - because that is where the need is. Even if you've lost sight of yourself, Jesus Christ knows your heart, and knows who you are deep inside...past the walls, the facade, and the hurts. in Psalm 139:23, King David says:

Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties

What this verse says to me is that God searches us, not that He may find something that He doesn;t already know, for He truly knows all things -- but rather that He may reveal out true condition to us. When God revealed Himself to me, He revealed MY own self to me, as well. He opened up my heart and showed me who I really was. It was a person I had lost sight of many years back. He reached down to me in my loneliness and isolation, to connect with me on that unsees and untouchable level. That is what God does. He exposes who we are, deep inside, and accepts us and loves us unconditionally. THIS is true companionship.

One of the most difficult things about transitioning out of porn is that a lot of people will still try and connect with you at the "pornstar" level. They cannot see you as anything other than that, and there is the constant fear of being approached. You are forced to keep your guard up, and it is very difficult to move on. You are no longer a pornstar, but some will always see you that way, so you keep that part of your past as hidden as you can, along with the guilt and shame. It becomes very difficult to build trust, and you remain alone in your hurts. There is that constant fear of being judged. I have been out of the industry for almost a decade, and even now, I still struggle with feelings of fear and distrust.

Human nature tells me that most people will look upon this part of my life with disdain. God's forgiveness tells me that He has looked past that, and has cast my transgressions as far as the east is from the west. His grace tells me that I am a new creature in Christ; old things have passed away, and behold, all things are new. God tells me that I am to behold who I am in Him - not who I was in th past. He tells me that He will NEVER leave me nor forsake me, and that I am never alone. He knows every single thing I have done, inside and outside the porn industry, and still, He loves me and accepts me unconditionally. This tells me that I never have to be lonely again - even if no one else understands or accepts it.

To become a pornstar is to embrace a life of loneliness....a loneliness that consumes every area of existence. Pornstars are ostracized from society, disrespected, and cut off from their families. They become part of a new family, and find some sort of acceptance there - vapid acceptance with no connection. They exist in a state of perpetual loneliness, a stranger to everyone - even themselves. Upon leaving the industry, they are forced to rebuild their lives and start over again, but emotionally they remain in hiding. This is the lonely life of the pornstar - a loneliness typically begotten by a life of difficulty and pain. After all, no one grows up saying that they want to be a pornstar. No one wants to be isolated and lonely.

4 comments:

  1. Yes so true and sad. I remember my time when I used porn and how lonely that felt as well as the porn user it’s a intimacy disorder but you go to it to make a connection and you cant make a connection you just further isolate yourself it’s a cycle that’s hard to break and if you don’t break from it you will just end up further down the road of loneliness.

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  4. Your journey made a great impact on those who needed to hwar your story in an judgemental way. I pray god send you companionship friendship family and closure to this all...most of all identity in him as you say. Behold old things are past away and all things have become new. It is the enemy that continues to being up your old character. Not men themselves. Remind the devil who you are and he will flee. But remember our journey will not be withoit persecutions or accusations and even blasfemes. Jesus suffered worse. Let them scorn n scoff. You know who you are-REDEEMED!

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